the tough gets going and going ....

Today was not any easier as to compared to yesterday. Early in the morning I was woken up by a BBM from a loyal staff warning me to be careful about 2 other staff. I've been feeling uneasy lately around them. I had a feeling it has to do with the Provident Fund Issue. I have been trying to pay, but we had no sufficient fund. I ended up being offered a loan from my staff. what an embarrassment!!! but i had to do it as to protect myself. Made payment, and banked in the salary and had a long chat with the two staff who have made be feel uneasy lately.

Showed them the evidence of my payment and told them to have some consideration about the whole issue as it's just tough for us.

I feel like like should just let go of my centre without a successor. Hoping for a real good windfall to come my way and I will start giving the 3 months notice.

I'm just tired and depressed and I want my life back. I want to live what is left of my life. Many times I don't feel like I have all that long to live. Don't really know why.

I hope life will change its direction real soon.

Amin.

PMS-ing!!!

What a challenging day it was emotionally. My head is spinning now and my body is weak. Due to caffeine from this morning I am still up.

Tomorrow is salary day for the staff. So, double ouch! For my pain.

Juha may be leaving me be for now. He did try to chat last night but I missed it as I was asleep.

Hope tomorrow is easier.

it's too tough

I have been with Juha for 3 years now an it hasn't been easy. The trips we shared were really wonderful, minus the Laos trip where I just don't feel him being there. We've been to places from one end of the world to the other. I am hopeful, but I am trying to make myself understand that I have to accept whatever comes my way. It would be too embarrassing for me if it doesn't happen between us.

At this point, we don't even know if we have a date we want to call THE DAY. we have talked about getting together. but there isn't any firm date. I do get frustrated and tired for thinking about it.

i hope he will pick a month or season that he wants us to be together. I am doing all I can here. 

Dear Staff....

I hope that one day you will realize my struggle to make it work here. For the last few years I have more than suffered just to get that extra dime for myself. When I increased your salary years ago, our student count was at the highest. After that, we hit rock bottom and I never had the heart to cut your salary. However, due to that, I suffer and suffer.

It hurts me when you take working tiMe to do other things that hasn't got anything to do with your job.

I am going to step down and let someone more capable to head this place. I don't demand for respect, but by you not appreciating working and making the best out of it is too much for me in general. I can't run this place without you, but only if you can take pride in your job.


I truly can't wait for the time for me to say goodbye.

on a more positive note

The candidate to replace me as an instructor came on Monday and Tuesday for centre attachment. That shows more commitment. We spoke some more about it and more and more, I'm convinced that she is serious enough to do it. I have to keep on praying and hoping. I have to be happy that the end is near.

Juha text me when he was in the boat before he departed (Helsinki to Stockholm) and promised to get me a Stockholm t-shirt.

Jennifer and I bought a return ticket to Siem Reap for June travel. We will be joined by Teacher Tess and Arlene. I always enjoy a girly holiday. It's time for Angkor Wat. I also wish to book flight for umrah and travels to Europe in August.

I have a futsal team with great gals! My friends from BBGS. I feel happy when I'm with them.

Most of my little students (girls especially) still allow me to hug them. I love the bonding.

Blame it on PMS or the weather, I do feel extremely down today. This happens every month or every other month. This week, everyday, I would come up with issues that on normal days I can usually handle. On Monday, it was the short of fund for royalty payment. On Tuesday, it was over an email and whatsapp chat I had before lunch. On Wednesday, the shortpayment of royalty payment issue crept up. And today, everything is against me.

Should I go back for counseling help? I should consider it. I am facing a lot of changes this year and I must prepare myself for all kinds of weather.

Right now, I wish I have more money and less debt. Right now I am missing Juha and his company. Right now I just want to break away.

is the end near?

I absolutely have no idea. My successor went through the 2 preliminary interviews successfully. They're waiting for a candidate from Putra Jaya to go through hers and probably start training in March.

I hope everything will be smooth. At the moment I'm stressed up about the silence from the candidate.

I hope by next week, something is moving ...