I'm on my way to Singapore by bus and I have always find it relaxing to have some quiet time alone in the bus. 5 hours of doing anything I like. I do like to travel.

I am also thinking about a few things. When things get a little heavy in my head, I remind myself to live life a day at a time. I should not worry about the future as everything is in god's hand. I should also not grief about the past as what's done or happened, let them all be bygone.

I'm reading this book called 'how starbucks saved my life'. How this guy had everything in life; family, good job, beautiful home and money one day lost it all. What had happened to me for the last few months almost felt that way. I was so scared and sad. I could have lost my mind losing it all.

From now on, I must plan more carefully. I have to also be extra careful about money. No more multi level marketing intervention whatsoever!

Yesterday was the final meeting between me and the parent company. Torturous! I had to endure 4 hours seminar before that.

At the meeting, I was attended by the vice president for their branding and advertisement in New Jersey, USA office. It WAS like a counseling session. The Japanese guy was non stop talking and talking, telling me what their policy is all about and why their change of direction regarding handover centres.

I am determined, if there is not going to be a handover, i will continue running the centre till end of 2012. Still need to discuss things with J.

I was at the morning seminar at the head office today. The seminar was quite a good thing as it took my mind off things. The 1 hour break that I have right now.

 I must take it as a good thing as well. I'm in the surau now preparing for zuhur. My meeting with big boss will be after the seminar at 4. I am very nervous but I will face it with bravery. Insya'allah.

I am again hit by my nervous feeling. I handed in the letter that Mr O had requested, about my change of plan and passed it to Ms Area Manager. I had to ask her what is happening before she told me they're arranging for another meeting for me. ANOTHER WAIT??? This is so challenging. My veins at the back of my neck is stiff again. I can't pray at the moment so I must zikir non stop.
I just want for everything to be back to how it was so that I can go on with living.

Yesterday, another bomb dropped. Ms R has decided to explore and expand her teaching experience and was seeking for my opinion. Just as I thought things will get better, I am once again hit.
I should be alright....a lot of action plans going on in my head.
I am so determined to make this work. I will also work hard to get the selection started for transfer of duty to a new instructor.
I will try my best not to keep myself away from people as that is not the best thing to do.

A roller coaster ride really can't describe what I'm going through right now. Roller coaster ride stops after a few minutes...mine doesn't. I should take it positively and should say: 'so much excitement!'
Had my final meeting with the boss yesterday. I didn't come out of it as happy as I had imagined as decisions were still not made! He was so against my sacrifice to put my future on hold. But I was very firm about my intention.
Just a few minutes before I left the house this afternoon, I received an email from him asking me to write him a letter in black and white regarding my intention to retract my letter. That's the most positive sign I've ever received in months! So I'm going to be just happy for now.

I was very stressed up during the day today. Seeing the 2 clowns having relaxing time at the centre while the rest trying to meet the Friday crowd...not fun at all. But right now, I don't want to deal with clowns.
I did a private yassin tahlil for myself and feeling much better now. I had no idea I could bring myself closer to Allah this way.
I think in the end, I'm learning much more than what I thought I could. I'm glad.

This may be my last teachers' day at the centre. Only if the students and parents know what I'm going through. I should live by the day. Enjoy and savour every moment. Leave everything else to Allah.

The only gift I want for Teachers' Day this year is to be allowed to keep the centre open until there's a take over. Amin.

Today, I felt very low in energy. I know it's due to stress. I have not stopped my prayers and yassin, as well as my zikir. Tonight my right chest hurts. Last night I suffered heart burn.
I am taking it all in cos I know it's all worth it.
Today, I had a second meeting with Jeannette and her husband. They are both nice and capable ppl. I do hope they get a chance to be considered.
I have to be 110% ready for my meeting with Mr O on Friday.
Please give me all the strength this week!

Teachers' Day???

Yeah, tomorrow is teachers' day. I must just be thankful that I have students who still want to learn from me. Last Friday, Nanako gave me a kiss on my neck!!! after I gave her a pink mechanical pencil for her birthday.

I have been reading motivational books and praying extra sunat prayers non stop this weekend. It is some kind of spiritual journey for me before my meeting with Mr O on Friday this week. In my heart, using the power of attraction, I am feeling all the good things already. Him saying yes I can continue and that they have accepted my request to retract my Letter of intention. After all, I know they have nothing to loose.

I will keep on praying and believing that he will agree to it.

I finally received the letter from Mr O that my time is almost up, and I have to start making plans to pack up to close by June. That crushed me terribly! I have never felt so desparate then to save the centre from being closed. I went berserk in my mind and emotionaly. I made contact with the accountant and asked for her opinion. She kinda put things in perspective and I am now so determined to do everything I can to keep the centre running.
I sent Mr O an email earlier asking him to extend my final date, and decided to write another one to inform him that if there isn't any solution to this problem, I'd rather retract my letter and stay until i get a replacement. I'd rather sacrifice my future for a bit for this.
I seriously can't see my students' faces and their parents if this happen.

Why is the office being cruel to me? All I've done in this 13 years have been solely because I believe in the method so much and all I've tried to do is spread the good method to the children in our community.
Tirelessly, aimlessly, and passionately.
And I'm being treated this way.

Despite not knowing what the future holds for me, I have 3 inquiries to buy over these last few days. In fact, I will be meeting 2 of them next week.
THE letter hasn't arrived.
What I thought was a sign of being nervous turned out to be some kind of food poisoning. So, I'm a bit weak today.
Something happened between my mom and I yesterday morning. She shouted at me. That's the first time for me in my 40 yrs of age. It must be a built up of tension and because I was irritating her yesterday, she blew up. I hugged her right after to calm her down. We're ok now.
I have to help out more at home too. I feel that she has been doing too much of house work, and she's not getting any younger.
Happy Mother's Day Mak! I love you so so dearly!

Not as wanted.

Ms Y broke my heart. She rejected the invitation for 2nd interview. Un-thought of. All these while I prayed that the office would accept her and I must have forgotten to pray for her to accept us. I'm back to square one right now.

My only hope is for the office to accept my request to extend. I'm scared shit though as the last centre that has done that was rejected. She is now closed.

A few friends and even Juha suggested that I retract my Letter of Intention, and I guess that's the only thing that is left to be done. I will sacrifice for my students until I get a proper replacement. Spoke to Juha and he's supportive of the idea. He gave me a lot of words of encouragement. I hope he'll still have the heart for me once these are all done. I have confident he will.

I'm still waiting for a letter from the big boss before considering the next action. Friends have started to pass the words around and we're getting feedback. I need time to first interview all the candidates before I send them to the office.

I am not selling it at a high price. Just enough to pay back all the debt and a little bit of pocket money.